WidowNet Top Ten (or whatever)

Dumb Remarks and Stupid Questions
(along with a few responses that come to mind)

Also known as

Public Education for the Terminally Tactless

1. "Death happens. Get over it."

   Thank you for the deep insight from the school of T-shirt philosophy.

2. My wife just died three weeks ago day after tomorrow (Oct. 17, 1997) after the birth of our only son. After the memorial sevice at the cemetary the family returned to the chuch where my deceased wife's grandmother commented, "At least with that precious little boy, you now qualify for FREE CHEESE!"

3. A few say "I am so sorry. You just don't hear of anyone dying after having a baby anymore."
   Like this is suppose to comfort me?

4. The baby's doctor said, "In the 35 years I have been a baby Dr, this has happened only 4 other times." I don't give a rat's butt how many times in the past, today it happened to me and I didn't even know I was in this lottery. Like it was a contest. I know he was just trying to relate and didn't think that it would be information I wouldn't "mind" having but guess what -- I don't care.

5. In the limousine, on the way to my husband's memorial service, my mother-in-law blurted out: "Did anyone think to call [so-and-so]?" So-and-so was my husband's girlfriend when I met him. (He dumped her for me, but she wouldn't stop calling him trying to reconcile.) After a pregnant pause in the limo, I responded, "Well, *I* didn't call her." My mother-in-law laughed, hugged me, and said, "She always sends ME a Christmas card!"

6. Why do you spend so much time on the computer? I'd rather talk to REAL people.
   - What does she think we are - FAKE people?

7. >I was talking to my next-door neighbor about having to put my fiance's house up for sale, mainly because it is too big for me by myself, and I can't afford the house payments. His answer was, "Well, you need to get you a MAN!"
   I just got tears in my eyes, and said "I HAD one!".

8. I was a caregiver for a long time so a friend said to me - "In a way it's a good thing - now you will be able to do a lot of the things you wanted that you weren't able to do before."
   (I'd take the caregiving any time just to have him back!)

9. "Oh, it's too bad you're not pregnant.."
   (2 days after my fiance died...we didn't plan on having kids).....

10. The day started out so good ... and then came "the phone call." ARGGGHH!!! It was a lady I had met just once before at our Parents Without Partners meeting. She was calling to see when the next meeting will be, and asked me how long I had been divorced. When I told her that my husband had died, she laughed and said "If it's any consolation, I wish my ex was dead."

11. Two people came laughing down the hosiptal corridor wearing scrubs and one even tripped over their feet. They passed by me in the waiting room, then turned back and one stood behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I had to twist around behind me as the person never walked around to look at me face to face. She said, "Are you Tim's wife?" I said I was. She said, "He expired." As this person did not have a badge on or even introduce themself to me I said, "Who are you?" She said, "I'm the doctor." I said "That was an awfully rude way to tell me." She frowned, shot me a dirty look and said with obvious indignation in her voice "Well, he's dead, Maam." Expired. Like a godamn milk carton. She made my husband's life seem so trivial. I was in such shock I started wandering around the halls and the doctor walked off without a word.

12. On the same day that my husband died, I had to listen to his aunt go on and on about how her dog had also recently died after a long illness.

13. Two weeks before Nancy died, an Army Chaplain asked me if I had thought about getting married again. My soulmate, lover, and best friend was still with me, and he had the gall to ask that. I will never forget his callousness.

14. "Did she make her peace with God before she died?"

15. "God has a plan for everything"

    So did the Broncos.

16. "It was for the best."

17. "God needed him more."

18. "So what have you been doing?"

    When a man's wife dies, many men seek to bury themselves in some action or cause. In the movies, they shed one and a half tears, drink a fifth of whiskey, and charge off into the sunset to conquer evil, right injustice, save the world.

    So "Grieving" doesn't cut it as an answer.
    I've tried "seeking the meaning to life, existence, and the universe, and finding a cure for cancer in my basement."
    "Just what would you have me do to justify my living and her dying?"
    "As in what great thing have I accomplished this week?"

    Re: Suicide

    1. "Well, didn't you see the rope in the truck??"

       (Obviously, no.)

    2. "Why didn't you take away his truck keys?"

       (I would have, had I known.)

    3. "Were you having an affair?"

       (No. Would that explain a suicide? What about the people who have affairs that DON'T end in suicide?)

    4. "Had you been arguing?"

       (No. Would you have asked that if he'd died in a traffic accident?)

    5. "Didn't you see the warning signs?"

       (Yes. And I've seen the same signs in other people who HAVEN'T committed suicide, too.)

    6. "Why didn't you get him some HELP?"

       (I *tried*. I did the best I could.)

    7. "I suppose he drank heavily."

       (No.)

    8. "I suppose he'd been secretly ill and unstable for years."

       (No.)

    9. "Did he leave a note?"

       (Now why would you ask -- if he did, would you want to read it?)

    10. "Oh, well, dear, you just never know about the mentally ill."

        (It wasn't the "mentally ill" who died -- my *husband* did.)

    11. "You'll have to bring your daughter over for lunch so she can spend time in a NORMAL family household."

        (Er...uh HUH...)

    12. "God never gives us more than we can bear."

        (But my husband OBVIOUSLY had more than HE could bear.)

    13. "Mr. Jones' wife died the same way -- now I heard he *DROVE* her to suicide. Your case is different, of course."

        (Of course.)

    14. "Mrs. Taylor's husband committed suicide, too. But then they always were a strange family."

        (Yes. Nice people die of something else.)

    15. "Mrs. Smith's husband shot himself. She's in the psychiatric ward now. They say the guilt has scrambled her brain."

        (How kind of you to tell me.)

    16. "Let me tell you about all the other suicides I know about."

        (Please don't.)

    17. "Obviously your marriage was a mistake."

        (What an odd and entirely irrelevant assumption.)

    18. "My sister's husband works in the hospital where they took his body. He said it was in HORRIBLE condition."

        (But it wasn't in horrible condition, and I can't imagine why you'd even bring up the subject.)

    19. "My friend's cousin is a cop. He told me how he could TELL it was carefully planned ahead of time."

        (Yes, but I know it WASN'T. And why-EVER would you presume to know more than *I* do about it??)

    20. "How ghastly that he hung himself in your back yard!"

        (Er...he didn't.)

    21. "How awful for him to do that in your bedroom!"

        (Er...he didn't.)

    22. "The children are a bit SCARED to come to your house to play now. You understand that, of course, with all that happened there."

        (Oh. But *nothing* happen here.)

    23. "Uh...so how are you doing FINANCIALLY, dear?"

        (Oh, are you trying to ask about the standard suicide clauses in life insurance policies? Are you morbidly curious, or do you plan to write out a check?)

    24. "I suppose you feel entirely responsible. Luckily, there's no stigma about suicide these days."

        (Yes, aren't we just so terribly lucky?)

19. "Don't look back (or quit living in the past)."

20. "Those children need a father."

    They had a dad he was ripped away from them too! What did they do to deserve this?

21. We were talking about the possibility of another job and it would require more OT. The guy said "you need to find a wife first!"

    Meaning, because I am now Mom and Dad, I wouldn't be able to handle the job! I could've punched him.

22. "A really wonderful single man/divorced man/widower just moved into the neighborhood/joined our church/started working in my office, and I was wondering if I could give him your number..."

23. "It's been two weeks/six months/three years! How long are you gonna let this control your life?"

24. "Life if for the living!/Don't pine your life away over a dead man./It's time you moved on."

25. "Losing a second husband later in life must not be as painful."
    

    "As opposed to losing a 3rd husband?"
    "As opposed to losing a 2nd husband earlier in life?"

26. "Well, at least you're young and you can get married again."

    "Right, and I'll be much better at this widow stuff when it happens again."

27. "Of course you'll want to get married again - you have your whole life ahead of you."

    (I already was married - for life. What do you think I should do, replace him like he was a goldfish?)

28. "You are so young you'll find someone"

    HELLO I had someone! He was ripped away from me! Why don't they get it! I had something so great and it was taken away from me. It was my once in a life time I'll never have that again! I wish people would stop saying you're so young, like that matters!

29. "Go back to work, it will distract you."

    (If I went back to work before I was ready, I would be so distracted I'd probably lose my job. Besides, I don't want to be distracted from my feelings.)

30. "I haven't come over, because as long as I don't come to your house I can pretend that he's still there."

    (I have to live here every day, and believe me, I know he's not here.)

31. "You're doing such a wonderful job!"

    (Come over sometime when no one's around)

32. "At least he's not suffering anymore."

    (Why did he have to suffer at all?)

33. "You can talk to him any time you want. He hears you."

    (But he can't answer.)

34. On the day of my husband's funeral.....a relative on my husband's side came up to me and said.... "What are you going to do with ALL THAT insurance money?

    It was $10,000. Obviously...SHE never had to pay for a funeral and raise three children.

35. To a Pastor from another Pastor:
    "I just came from the wedding of another pastor whose wife died 3 years ago -- so there is hope for you."
    (said less than 6 hours after he found out his wife had died)

36. " What do you think - a year or two and you'll be all over it?"

37. " If you need anything even just to talk - just call me"
    (one woman in saying this to my kids prefaced it by saying "I don't have a boyfreind, I don't have a life, soooooo...")

38. "Call me if you need anything"

    (But all I get is an answering machine)

39. "Did he or she smoke?"

    I didn't attend the cremation.

40. "This actually was said to me the first day back to work. Of course I dreaded going back to work as the funeral was pretty private. I had those uncomfortable first meetings with my co-workers. I was hardly able to say thanks after an "sorry buddy" or a "my condolences" or even a loving handshake. This one guy in the shop who is a friend. I guess maybe I caught him offguard or maybe he hadn't made a mental note as to what he was going to say to me when we met, but he turned to me and paused for a sec and then shrugged his shoulders and said "shit happens". I looked at him in a weird teary eyed way and said nothing but felt like punching him in the mouth. Instead I retired to the changing room and let the tears come out. "

41. "Good thing you guys were separated, if you were still married it might have really bothered you."
    -coworker [my husband was murdered.]

42. " Maybe if you were really still his wife you'd be willing to spend more on the funeral." -extended family (his)

    "$10,000 (without any insurance $$$, isn't enough?)"

43. "I'll take his truck and cousin so-'n-so could use his tools."

    -extended family (his) whom I haven't seen in years. [they didn't get a damned thing.]

44. "So what are you going to do with his tools?"

45. "At least he lived a full, long life"

    (I don't consider 62 that long of life)

46. "At least he had no pain"

    (Yeh, the hospital had him all doped up)

47. "You seem to be taking this well"

    (You wouldn't want to see me when I am upset)

48. "At least your children are all grown"

    (So that means I'm totally alone now)

49. "You should be settled in by now"

    (Gee after a year everything should be peachy keen)

50. "At least you have a long life ahead of you..."
    (I was 24, my husband was 22. Best of all was when this comment came from an 82 year-old woman)

51. "Boy, that's gotta be tough..."

52. "So, how do your husband's parents feel?"

53. "What do your parents say?"

54. "You mean he DIED?!"

55. "What happened to your plans?"

    " Yes, I'd like to know the answer to that. I guess Chris just could not face the reality of life after graduation from college so he decided to head to the next phase of living, only he forgot me." (he died two weeks after graduation)

56. "So, do you think you'll get married again?"

    (I believe this is in reference to my age, someone so young can easily recycle???)

57. At my husband's memorial, a union rep. came up to me and told me my dental and medical would run out in a week; maybe I should consider taking my kids and myself to the dentist!

    I was in too much shock to reply; it seemed so inappropriate at the time. It turned out he gave me the wrong information anyway - I had a Month and a Week. It seemed so crazy to me after my husband paid premiums all those years that they would shut me off so quickly - and to inform me at the memorial.....

58. My son and I were at a church service a week after my husband died and an older gentleman approached my 17 year old son (he was a stranger to us) and proceeded to tell my son in great detail how his own father had died when he was 7; this older man started to cry and went on and on. My son didn't know what to say to him and I was very annoyed. But such is life....

59. Said in my 7-year-old's presence (!) at the evening wake, before the funeral:
    "Good thing he's so young...probably won't even remember this."
    {His Daddy, whom he adored, was murdered.}

    I said, calmly, clearly, and loud enough for his family to hear, "leave now, and don't talk to us tommorrow" (the funeral). [He & family did show up, but gave us a wide bearth.] I agonized over the intensity of my rudeness for some time. (Most of my behavior was quite good, except for a few words here and there -- this was one instance). Now (a year later) that my head is clear........I think I probably should have broken his nose. (Just a thought) [smile].

60. "The kids are young they will most likely forget him!"

    Was that supposed to comfort me?

61. I say..."My husband died in August."
    Invariably someone will say
    "I know how you feel...I lost my mother, aunt, brother, last year."

62. "I know what you're going through."

    (No you don't - unless your husband or wife has died.)

63. "The other night I got a call for Jim. I ask who it was and could I help him. No, he wanted to talk to Jim. I told him he couldn't he passed away. The jerk said, Oh we'll update our files."

    I wish I could reach out and touch him right around the neck!

64. To a Pastor from another Pastor:
    "Be strong -- for the sake of your people"
    (knowing that they would never have said that to a lay person)

65. A woman met me at the viewing. She has been spreading rumors, and doing everything that she could to hurt me and the church (all in the name of defending it) and said, "You and I have had our disagreements, and I really don't like you, but I didn't want to loose Rachel."

66. What bothers me the most is when I 'm in a business meeting or something and am asked about my family. If I tell them my wife passed away, a look of ineffable sadness sweeps across their faces and they usually express sorrow for my loss. I want to shout at them it happened three hears ago...it's just a fact, a thing that happened...I don't need your sorrow nor do I want sympathy...but I can't very well do that. I just swallow and smile and I suppose they are thinking "how brave and noble etc."

67. "Dudley died on a Saturday and I didn't go to church the next day. The Sunday after that I was back in the choir (alone--we had enjoyed singing together). Shortly afterwards the pschiatric social worker I was seeing remarked, "I heard you cried in church". "

    Really, I didn't think that so unusual when one was grieving. By the way, the social worker I was seeing ended up taking her own life! We got very little for the money we spent at the Mental Health Center.

68. "Get over it."

    "Get over THIS" (with gesture of your choice)

69. "Well at least X didn't happen."
    

    "Would you allow me to be depressed if X had?"
    "How about X, Y, and Z?"

70. When someone relatively young dies, people invariably ask a list of questions about the causes of the death, length of the illness, was there suffering involved, etc.

    Just what would you like to know in order to confirm, for your own comfort, that Justice has been satisfied, that there is Order in the Universe, God's goodness is confirmed, Karma is balanced, etc?